Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Jay Leno Is a Rat Bastard

No, Jay, thank you, thank you for nothing!

From Fulsome:

When I was flying out to Minneapolis, prior to the events that unfolded at the "three rules" post, I dreamt of the reception. Everything was fine, we were sitting at the table and chatting and telling stories. Being a reception, there was free alcohol but I was trapped in the middle of the table and so reliant on others to bring drinks when they got up to get one for themselves. By some unforseen chance, Jay Leno was at the reception. The why and wherefores of this are pretty inconclusive. At any rate, he's at the table. No big deal we're all talking and carousing. But the man won't get up to get a drink. And I'm wedged in the table towards the wall and between some girls and so I'm not really getting up. And I'm giving him looks and then the evil eye trying to convince him by whatever non-verbal means necessary to get up and get some drinks. And he wouldn't do it. The rat bastard wouldn't do it

...And then I get woken up by the flight attendent who asks what I want to drink [thank G-d, it's always tough to fly to Mn.-ed.]

Three Bulls! would like to directly challenge Jay Leno to defend himself from this dishonorable behavior. We will have him on the clock from this moment. His silence will indicate cowardly traitorousness and total cobaggery.

T+1 minute: Crickets chirping.

T+2 minutes: Yet more crickets.

T+3 minutes: Indeed.

UPDATE T+7 HOURS: DEAFENING INDEED SILENCE

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Thank You Oprah, for All This Wonderful Money!



Why I Heart Oprah by Geenie Cola

I find myself in the intense finals of an academic bowl. It's
unclear as to if it is the US Finals or the World. I'm guessing it is the Universe finals since Oprah was there. Anyhoo, It is me, Jung-Gun (my friend from work), Craig (my friend from grad school) and Jenny (random girl from high school that I really didn't even know) we are all on the academic bowl team together. It is really intense because it is the final question and as long as we answer this one correctly we WIN! WIN! WIN! Oprah being the host and judge of the competition asks the question...we all submit our answers. There is a long pause as Oprah says, there is a problem. It seems that Jenny's answer is unclear and Oprah can't rule as to if it is correct or not. No wonder I wasn't really friends with her in H.S., idiot! Oprah needs time to think it over. Crap, NOOOOO, because the winners get $200million as the prize-that is $50 million each! I say to my team, because of course I'm the team captain, "I'm going to go talk to Oprah." I'm standing in front of Oprah pleading our case and explaining that in fact Jenny's answer is clear and correct. Oprah says she will have her decision in the morning. My whole team is on edge and can't sleep. It's morning and the phone rings...it's Oprah. Jung-Gun answers the phone, listens. then hangs up. We are all DYING to know what she said. He says we won. We are all stunned and hugging when Jung-Gun elbows me in the face super hard. I'm thinking what the?!?!?! This is when I wake up and realize no it is just Pinko Punko doing his signature sleep move of elbowing me in the head. Sadly, no $50 million.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Why I Stopped Reading Geenie Cola's People Magazine

Can't you just see the heartache in their faces?

Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears

So there was this three story townhouse (totally cute!). I lived on the top floor, and my good friend had the bottom two floors. She was my pal. She came up for advice and stuff, you know. She was a total babe, but I was older and I wasn't into her that way. I just wanted to be friends. She also happened to be Britney Spears. So she started going out with JT and he was way cool and we would hang out the three of us and stuff, then I got to be friends with JT and we were pretty good pals, and we would do undefined guy stuff. It wasn't clear what it was but it was clear we hung out and stuff. Then he told me that it just wasn't working out with Britney, and he wanted to be friends, but he wanted to end it, so as not to hurt her. She was my pal too, but I had been watching them grow apart so I knew it had to be that way. She was really upset, but deep down she knew it had to be that way, and I tried to console her. She said I was a good friend and she didn't want me to be caught in the middle and she said I could still be friends with JT, but I should keep it on the down low a little bit because it was hard for her.

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?? NO MORE PEOPLE FOR PINKO, THAT'S FOR EFFING SURE. Also, we never quite covered the "Cry Me A River" video, but I'm sure it would have been all good, because everyone was so understanding.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Open Thread-Solicitation for Cameos

So lots of people have random dreams where some random celeb shows up, and they are always hilarious. If you do, please send them to us at 3bulls at gmail dot com. Put "Celeb Dream Cameo" in the subject line and we will post it. We have a bunch of hilarious ones. The only limitation is that if your dream gets all hot and steamy, we'd appreciate euphemisms, and if it is only a sex thing, then it isn't interesting, unless it is someone massively hilarious like Abe Vigoda or Dame Judy Dench or similarly random, then YOU ARE COMPELLED TO SHARE.

That is all.